Ha, well after yesterday's anticipation over seeing Jake and romanticized/hopeful interpretations of his Facebook statements, I worked with him again last night and he fully avoided me. No, he didn't avoid me. Occasionally talked to me, even, but even in those cases it wasn't even particularly friendly, just making a bland instruction about the work at hand. Mostly, though, he seemed to keep off to himself as much as possible and didn't really interact with anyone too much, as though he were bored or tired. Somehow I felt his behavior had to do with it being Saturday night and him going to Meat Market club afterward, but maybe he's just often quiet and reclusive at work. He likes to go off and work by himself.

The steward was Red, and he almost seemed to be conspiring to get me to leave before Jake did. That really doesn't make much sense, though, seems pretty unlikely.

Like I would ever make any move to hang out with Jake ever again, after work or otherwise.

God, it makes me wonder, though, again, about that day I asked Jake if he ever wanted to hang out. Why did he wait for me to take him home, why did he go to so much trouble to ride with me that day to his home, and then look at me with giddy anticipation as he was about to get out of the car - if his answer to the question "Do you want to hang out sometime" was going to be to freak out like that and say no? It calls to mind a time he started talking about his bed, out of the blue. Somehow I felt at the time like it could only be an invitation to me to, I don't know, express interest in his bed, to come onto him and invite myself into his bed. It's like he wants the action with women but he wants to be able to walk away afterward, and the thing is he probably would walk away afterward, and he'd stay away, from fear of attachment, and then from having already had sex with me, and then if he did come back, it would be to get me to invite myself onto his body again, he wouldn't ever put himself out there by asking me, and then he would walk away again, and I'd feel like utter crap because he can't give love.

And then I remember how, one Christmas time he was bringing over something to do with Opera and he also gave two mini-bottles of raspberry vodka with a great big grin on my face. It wasn't much, but coming from him it was a lot. That's from back when I thought things were going well between us, even after he'd ouched me with the not wanting to hang out with me ouchie, he seemed to be, at the time, trying to make up for it.

If I hadn't had all the trust pounded out of me, I'd have invited him in to drink them with me.

He would have said no anyway.

Anyway - I'll be working with him again Monday and Tuesday but we will probably not interact again. We will be busy with work and I will be reclusive and so will he and then nothing will happen again as usual.

previous - next

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last Five

Jake turns on, Jake turns off. - 2009-12-07
- - 2009-09-27
- - 2009-09-26
- - 2009-09-13
- - 2009-09-06