I didn't tell you that the last time I worked with Jake, Tuesday, I caught him looking at me in a really hot way - his eyes looked like big black holes that I got sucked into and his posture seemed - worshipful. It was amazing, and I can't remember the last time I saw him look at me that way. I don't want to read too much into it, and of course his past rejections sting and barb, so I didn't act on it, I simply filed it away for private marvelling and remembering, and went and sat down somewhere. After all, there is still a big vengeful part of me that wants to reject him now, that wants to say to him, "Where were you for the past 7 years when I was crying for you and reaching out to you? We're both 7 years older now, for God's sake. You missed your chance."

But I can't deny that another part of me is still just responding to this man I seem to be consistently magnetically drawn to, and considering phrases from romance stories like "to win someone over," and from moralistic parables like whether there will be more good for me and the world if I forgive and forget.

This is all private. "Looks" are nothing from a man if he doesn't act on them, this lesson I've learned. This is why I keep these thoughts to myself.

He posted a link on Facebook - a man's fantasy - a video - a schlub sits at a bar, is approached by two hot chicks, one in black, one in khaki. The two hot chicks glare at each other, then the black-clothed one pulls out a red lightsaber and the khaki one pulls out a blue one. They saber-fight each other's clothes off. The schlubby guys at the bar are turned on and take camphone pics.

Finally I replied - "Yeah, totally this is my fantasy, except instead of two women, they are my soul mate and an ATM machine, and instead of fighting each other, my soul mate is giving me a full body massage and the ATM is spitting out bills, and instead of a seedy bar, we are on the beach of a tropical island at a high class resort. But otherwise, everything is exactly the same."

When he came home, he responded... "Nice."

Too many ways to read "Nice." Was it approval of my fantasy, or approval of my wit, or any number of other things? Jovial, wistful, sarcastic? I don't interpret.

Just now his status update says "Time to do something." Probably he means it's time for him to get off his ass on this rainy Saturday and do something useful. But for some reason I read it as "Time for me to do something about Kaitlyn."

And that's what I came here to say. I am a silly silly girl.

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Last Five

Jake turns on, Jake turns off. - 2009-12-07
- - 2009-09-27
- - 2009-09-26
- - 2009-09-13
- - 2009-09-06