More Facebook politics to share!

Now I come to Diaryland because now is a time I am feeling direly separated from all people except for immediate family. hardly a new experience. All the normal was sort of exacerbated by I guess by learning that some other guy, a 40-year-old gay man and good friend of Spanky - looooves Sandi and wants to be Siamese twins with her. He just thinks she's the best thing since cake.

We'll call this man Fred.

Fred, who loved me on Myspace for 10 seconds and then seemed to not care anymore. We were friends on Facebook and now we're not. How interesting. All I can think is that I said too many things that irked him. He's not perfect and he did a couple things on Facebook that annoyed me. #1 - a neighbor who had a crush on him went up to talk to him and revealed having noticed some stuff about Fred's comings and goings and when Fred had friends. Fred's reaction? That this guy was a CREEPY STALKER!! Speaking as a creepy stalker type, I get a little defensive about this characterization, and besides, I didn't think what this guy did was creepy OR stalkerish, although I did say "but I wasn't there so if you had a gut instinct I can't argue with that." But just seeing you through his window is normal activity for neighbors. It's not like he was peeking into the freaking windows or anything.

#2 - This guy is seriously guilty of the most annoying status update - the cryptic glumness. Ugh. I guess eventually I made a couple of jesting comments indicating that we on Facebook were all in the dark about what he was talking about - either say it or don't, you know?

So he's a little bit of a clingy emotional wreck. Not like me. But on the other hand, he loves nature and roughing it and hiking and camping - Sandi hates all that. He loves West Wing. Sandi hates it. He claims, at 40, to have never been in love with someone who loved him back. Gosh, that sounds familiar.

Now he is a bit of a whiny diva and I don't really want to be friends with him. But I'm irked that he adores Sandi. Sandi doesn't have to do anything but everyone loves her.

My brother one day in the car that she was cute. "If she lost some weight..." he said. I responded, "All the boys like Sandi because she's pretty." She squeaks like an 8-year-old girl and smiles even when she's not happy because she's that accommodating.

I don't have that problem. Mine is that none like me because I'm ugly.

Right now I'm getting no love from anyone.

Jake was on Facebook rather a lot, but not really updating much. I posted a couple things - 1 was a "stalkerlist" quiz that used an application identifying the people who commented your facebook wall the most often - that's all - nothing you couldn't see by just looking at the Wall. Well, Jake was actually #10. And the only thing it asked about #10 was what I thought his parents were like. I said I'd met his Mom but was curious about his Dad, who died in like 1989 or 1990 or so.

Suddenly he shut down from my page altogether, and so did just about everyone else, too.

So I'd see Jake on Facebook a lot but he wasn't saying much.

A couple days ago I posted a meme as a Facebook status update asking people to tell me a memory they have of us. I guess I kind of wanted to unprove what I was feeling - that I didn't exist for anyone. It's a natural assumption for me, although it is based on real-world experience and observation too. Nobody answered it at all. This tells me I don't exist for anyone. Spanky doesn't love me or like me even. Sandi now socializes with all these other friends and sometimes she invites me to come along, but always at the last minute. I've been pulling away, too, internalizing my life a little maybe. Sometimes thinking I sense she's a little sick and tired of me now too.

Anyway. On the unanswered Facebook status update I just said, "This just confirms it for me" and cleared it. Unnecessary public morbidity and whininess? Maybe.

Anyway, ever since then (like yesterday-ish) I've meant to shut down my Facebook activity. Instead, I have continued to like and comment peoples' stuff, but I'm not drawing attention to myself with my own posts or status updates. Meanwhile, Jake is suddenly Mr. Facebook, status updates, interaction with other friends, and tonight, pictures of his co-workers.

Pictures of his co-workers just makes me want to say "You have all these pictures of your Ice C@p@des brethren and your IATSE brethren and you remember the people of Professional Theatre with love, you have these loves, but you have no pictures of me and I don't think you'll ever take a picture of me at the Opera or anywhere else, and will you not regret that when I'm gone? Probably not. It's not like I haven't provided tons of pictures of myself on the internet if he wanted pictures of me. That's not really the point. The point is, I'm excluded from his Great Love. He will not do anything to show that he loves me. I guess he just senses it matters too much to me.

So that's my Pout of the Day. All about the signs and signals that nobody loves me.

And then there is my movie buddy, who gets me comps to the Symphony. I think he had a bout with depression and didn't call me back recently, but overall he seems happy enough to associate with me and wants to keep up the friendship when he's not depressed, and when I'm not. I can't find where I've named him yet so for now he's George. George is not a romantic interest right now, I'm a little turned off by him physically. I get a clammy sensation. Maybe it's because he's 400+ pounds, but then I think 10 years ago I used to kinda think of him as potential boyfriend material. Maybe this is part of the reason why I'm wary of anything getting too serious. I'm happy to hang out with him from time to time and it's too easy to share intimacies with each other. But overall I do sense an incompatibility along with our compatibility and I don't want to overtax that.

Anyway, he's the only person who seems to like me right now, which is why I brought him up in the middle of this "nobody likes me" spew.

To which I should add "Nobody thinks I'm any good at anything," which also really sucks. I used to feel like I was considered talented and competent, but now there's none of that. I hate that.

I remember what I wanted to add.

First - it occurs to me that probably how I got dropped off of Fred's list was that he just trimmed away excess friends and I wasn't one of the ones he decided to keep. That's certainly better than being intentionally unfriended.

Because I've been thinking maybe I hurt people's feelings. I don't mean to do it but sometimes I feel it happening as a way to keep myself from being too small. I think if I had more external positivity directed at me, I wouldn't feel like I had to do this. I'd be able to give more freely without feeling weakened. Nevertheless, it doesn't help me to hurt people's feelings. It doesn't make me feel good about myself. But maybe I've been making too much of that thought, now that I realize Fred probably defriended me en masse rather than in particular, because I just wasn't a central figure to him, rather than because I hurt him too much.

Jake is especially guilty of not encouraging or supporting me. He is too likely to, randomly, express how unimpressive I am. It's always seemed a bit strange, like he was trying to maintain a superiority in the politics of our relationship by putting me down. Once he denigrated a lighting design I was enthusiastic about, but wouldn't say what he didn't like about it. He spoke of Louise saying that she could *really* sing in a way that made me know he was saying that I wasn't good. I posted a video on Facebook recently that I thought was funny, and, though others liked it and took it in the right spirit, he decided to put it down. This was the last thing, actually, that he did on my Facebook before the "Big silence," which was after a streak of positive feedback. I guess he thought he was being too positive and decided to strike me down a little so I wouldn't think he liked me too much, or so he wouldn't think he did. I mean, he doesn't do that with other people. If he's not impressed about something, he doesn't make a point of showing it, he's not interested in making other people feel small. Just me.

I know, I know - not boyfriend material. I don't want a boyfriend - I just want to get over Jake. I guess. Yeah, at this point, I probably do.

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Last Five

Jake turns on, Jake turns off. - 2009-12-07
- - 2009-09-27
- - 2009-09-26
- - 2009-09-13
- - 2009-09-06