For some stupid reason I have "You're Beautiful" by James Blount stuck in my head. I fuckin hate that song and it makes me cry and feel completely lost. But for some stupid reason I listened to it when I went in to work tonight and dropped a tear out of each eye.

Jake was there. I kept to myself unless approached by others. If approached by others, I behaved normally. At one point, Jake came to help me coil a cable bundle into a box, and I heard him say "It's still going." Then he said, "Are you not talking to me anymore?" "What?" "I said, How's it going?" "Oh, I thought you said 'It's still going.' It's been fine," I said, or some other meaningless response to that question, like I gave to everyone else who asked me that tonight, because at work is not a good time for conversation.

But it was significant that he asked me that.

Later, toward the end of the night, he asked me to help him carry a distro box from one side of the stage to the other. Tres romantique, oui? I suppose I could have looked him in the eye at that point to connect or something, be more intense or more clear or connect or whatever, but I didn't - he was just one of the many other people at work. When we left at the end of the day I watched him let me go first, and I went.

If I'm not particularly friends with Jake then I'm not particularly friends with anyone.

I am affected by tonight's reunion with Jake. And I know he has signed the contract to work on the Opera next year.

If I matter to him, he has to own that. He has to prove it. Out loud. That's where we are now, that's our stalemate.

previous - next

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last Five

- - 2008-09-13
- - 2008-09-05
- - 2008-08-28
- - 2008-08-24
- - 2008-08-13