Today at lunch, it seemed the only place for me to sit without being openly offensive was next to Clay, even though I didn't want to. But I did. A moment later, he got up and moved over one seat. The reason I figured he did it was because I'm just that revolting to him. To have someone move away from sitting next to you is a terrible feeling. I know he's not attracted to me, many people aren't attracted to me, but they don't let that mean that they treat me like a stinky dog. As he made his move, I just looked at my plate and prepared to eat my lunch as if I weren't being horribly insulted. Perhaps he noticed my icy demeanor - he immediately became friendly to me and started asking me questions.

Pfft.

Tonight I went to a show. On the way home from the show, not thinking about it, I went past the theatre where Jake was working tonight. I was stopped at the red light there, and saw him across the street. I also believe the reason for his behavior was that he recognized my car, at night in full traffic across the street. After a few moments of seeming not to know what to do, he walked away down the street, toward that club he goes to.

Did I mention I went to that club? While I knew him to be out of town on tour, I went to the Meat Market Club for the first time since I nearly bumped into him there and ran away years ago. This was my final chance to at last check that club out, knowing he wouldn't be there. It was truly disgusting. Everything there was designed to help women exploit themselves and their bodies for the enjoyment of the men. Dancing involved mostly humping, either poles or someone else. Men waited dully for a chance to take pictures of women exposing their panties (or more) on the mechanical bull. I was only there from 10:30 (when they opened) to 11:30. I was very sleepy, and it was already getting too smoky for me.

The man I should be with, if such a man exists, would certainly not let that place be the center of his life 4 nights a week for 5 years. And he went there again tonight.

I think the whole thing's about to burn out. My cynicism keeps me seething and flinching these days. I'm sure he's not interested anyway. After all, I am one of the ugliest people I know and would do best to stay out of view whenever possible.

The show I went to see tonight featured Clyde's ex-girlfriend. We've never met. They didn't even meet themselves until long after Clyde and I deleted our acquaintanceship. She moved to town and they have broken up. She and I have never met, and to my knowledge she'd have no reason to know I was anyone, but she kept looking at me tonight from the stage. Possibly she recognized me from having seen me around, but somehow I just feel like I've been pointed out to her, that somehow my ancient heartbreak continues to live on beyond my life, when it is all but forgotten even by myself, but does it still inspire morbid fascination in others?

I was going to go hiking tomorrow. hm.

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