Today at work I could sense Jake's attitude toward me get a little cooler, and sure enough, pretty soon he was telling me to leave. I left exactly when I wanted to, but I was too interested in watching what was going on at work to leave. Then I did leave, announcing my departure to Jake who said "You leaving?" to which I said yes and left to get to my show.

So anyway, he was doing the old telling me to leave thing that he does.

And I left when I wanted to, and went to go see a show down the street.

And after the show was over, I realized I didn't know when I was next supposed to be in to work. So at 2:45 I called him and asked when I was supposed to come back.

All afternoon he didn't call me back. Finally at 6:33 I called the technical director for the Opera and asked him if he knew when the electricians were called back again and to please let me know.

It was the Technical Director who called me back at 7:16.

In 5 1/2 hours Jake never called me back to answer a simple, necessary, work-related question.

This is his hot-and-cold cycle going on again. I fell for it again because his hot was pretty hot this time around. I made the mistake of playing back. So he cooled off.

I don't want to play that anymore. I am teary about it. It's disrespectful to keep flip-flopping like this.

It was disrespectful not to call me back, and he's done that shit before.

I'm tired of those ups and downs. There's just enough ups to keep me going for the downs.

When I broke it off with Clyde, I had to be determined. Nothing, no looks or sweet treatment, would sway me back into the Clyde Ride. And he tried to sweeten me, but I was broken-hearted and thus adamant.

It's hard to feel so adamant this time. I still want him to change his mind. If I go in there tomorrow and give him the cold shoulder, he's going to feel sorry and try to sweeten me and cheer me up and lure me back in. And the cycle continues.

But I have this to believe. I'm 290 pounds. I carry 300 pounds remarkably well for a female but there's no getting around the huge mass I'm carrying around my middle. "No man could ever commit to a woman who looks like me. Therefore Jake is never going to come through. Don't play with him anymore."

Just a co-worker.

Pending what happens tomorrow. I may even come out and say "What possible excuse do you have for not calling me back?"

But generally there's other things about Jake and what he does and does not give that makes me feel like I'm not me when I'm interacting with me. I don't want to try to fit him or follow him anymore.

I went into the Opera this year determined to sit off in the corner, and not get all excited about him, and not bother about how useless I looked or whether anyone paid attention to my suggestions or observations, if I made any.

But his behavior was so compellingly cheerful, flirtatious, friendly, open, accessible - I thought there had been a change. Today suggests he's not fully changed.

The problem is - my life is so very NON as it is right now anyway. I don't even feel like I have anything to connect me to myself or the rest of my life anymore. I'm only 34 and already getting tired of life. I can kind of understand why my Dad at the age of 40 told me he didn't care about living all that much anymore, he might rather die. Or why the lady in Prelude to a Kiss says that it's cruel to bring a child into the world, because of the very nature of life. Memories hurt. The past, not even my past, but thoughts of when my grandmothers were alive and young and happy and falling in love with not-my-grandfathers and skipping, when they thought the world was as they thought it was, before time took that from them...

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