You know, I have lost track of "how things are going with me and Jake." Every time I have doubts, the time he said he didn't want to hang out with me rings out over everything else and I remember that I'm not the one who's going to make the next move. Then I go back and read about all these times that he seemed to be sweet to me, seemed to make an effort. Then I go back and read about how he didn't take any of my hot chocolate.

Then I remember how I gave him a Christmas present this year. We were working together right before Christmas and we were cutting cable ties and he pulled out his dykes but complained the whole time about how bad they were, and he kept saying "That's what I want for Christmas, new dykes, that's what I want for Christmas." So I got him some and I left them at his place. Then a few days later, we went back to work on the same show and I knew that we were going to need to cut those cable ties and I was very nervous because I was just sure that he was going to find some way to denigrate the gift I'd given him and the love I'd shown him. I thought he would have some other dykes, or even use the same ones that he'd had before. But he didn't, he pulled out his new dykes and talked about how someone had left him some new dykes in his mailbox, and he said thank you. By then I was so anxious about having to fend off his denigration that I wasn't very very very responsive and was a little embarrassed.

We did the opera together again recently, but I did not go out to visit him in the tech booth. It still bothers me that he seems to put down and reject my lighting design life and the theatre where I work and resist being dragged into that life, even though once he came *this close* to asking me for comp tickets to a show of mine, but he didn't ask and I didn't offer because I didn't want him to tell me "I'm not interested" or even to just fail to follow through. I feel like he needs to ask me, he needs to want something from me, and he needs to admit it and trust me.

So on the Opera, I can see that even though he is apt to alternate between acting like I'm just nothing to him or hanging out with me without saying anything... and if I'm talking to someone else I can see him watching me talk to someone else.

So am I misinterpreting to think that he wants to be with me more than he lets himself? I don't know, and we don't talk about it, because you can't have a conversation with someone who won't sit with you and talk to you, and responds to when things are going well between you by backing off and slipping away.

The other day I went to see a show where he was working, not expecting to see him because he'd be backstage. But I facebooked that I was going there about 30-60 minutes before we left. I don't know if he saw it or not, but I saw him walking toward us as we crossed the street, with the hood of his jacket obscuring his entire head. I felt like it was possible that he'd come up there hoping to see me but had his hood on in the hopes that I wouldn't recognize him. We went right past each other - my friend even went back to him because he was standing next to a trash can that she threw her drink in, and I saw his nose sticking out from behind the hood of his jacket. He was pretending not to be him and not to see me and I was pretending not to see him because I didn't want this to be about me stalking him. But it definitely lets me know that I'm in a totally different category for him and he acts weird about me and I think it's because he likes me and doesn't want to admit it but fuck if I can act on that with his behavior patterns.

I've realized recently that even when he's acting nice to me, he seems to like to put me down a little. The things I do are silly, I need help... I think he does like to tease girls and rile them, but I'm not like those girls. If you say something to put me down, I just know better, and don't give him the satisfaction of getting all uppity. It starts to feel like a control thing, that thing people sometimes do to "control" their partners by sabotaging their self-esteem. It makes me sad that he would want to do this. I've never been other than complimentary and supportive toward him and would expect the same in return. I feel like I used to get more compliments and respect from him, and that he gives it to others, which is another reason I think there's something unique about me in his eyes. It also keeps us apart because when someone treats me like that, I resist responding by feeling small. I'm not interested in having a significant other or best friend who can't be supportive and encouraging - I need that from a partner.

Of course, there are all the times he tells everyone I'm awesome.

But of course, those come between the times he humphs me off like I'm being annoying by asking him a question or giving him a compliment.

It's all about self-esteem and control and until he can fix this about himself - well, I'm never going to let him affect my self-esteem by belittling me.

Sometimes I feel like I live better and bigger than him, and that he needs to learn to be more like me. But I also that there are some things I could stand to learn from him about how to live! If he could be encouraging and supportive, it would be great to have him helping me out with his good qualities in a real relationship.

Last night, when he saw that I was at work, I saw him check the crew list to see if I was on his crew. Unusually, I was electrician last night, I was a "pusher" so I didn't work on his crew. He looked on the list twice.

I did initiate interaction. I just smiled and said "Hey, Hank" as I passed him on the job. He wasn't the first or the last person I greeted last night. And when I did say hi, his face lit up and he said "Hi" back. Later when I was sitting around waiting to work, he rolled a box past me and muttered (in a sexy voice I might say) "Don't work too hard" or something. But that was pretty much it. When the time came to leave, I stood in the crew area gathering my things together, and looked up and saw him in the theatre a good distance away, putting on his jacket and looking at me. I was sure he was thinking about me, seeming to avoid me, to make it so we wouldn't leave together, even though he seemed into me. So I left as though he was nothing more than any of the other employees there.

I just don't know if there's any hope. But there still isn't anyone else and I don't really want there to be but if someone else shows up, maybe I'll change my mind about that.

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Last Five

- - 2010-02-08
- - 2009-12-22
Jake turns on, Jake turns off. - 2009-12-07
- - 2009-09-27
- - 2009-09-26