I just realized I can't remember the name of the man-boy I lost my virginity to. It was John. I keep thinking the last name starts with an 'S', maybe has a short 'a' sound in it. How am I supposed to lurk about and find out that his second marriage was a piece of shit sham if I can't even remember his outrageously generic name?

Found it. On a list of surnames ranked by frequency. For whites in America, his is #29 most common. That was easy.

There hasn't been anyone since. I'm pushing 40 now. Coming to terms with aging and death, trying to lose weight and find energy...

That guy, Mickey? Not that I even wanted anything to happen with him, but oddly he was at that time in the throes of beginning a new relationship, the love of his life he now exclaims, so I don't pretend to understand why he was looking at me. He doesn't, anymore.

I'm back to working with Jake again this week. He still comes to sit by me, still seems to like me. We even went to dinner last week during dinner break - conversation lagged. He's getting older - skin starting to sag - late 40s, still a smoker. He's still all I have - I don't really have much, still, for friends and allies, let alone lovers.

Just yesterday decided to change my attitude. To try, again, to believe - enough to carry myself with confidence, confidence that I've been lacking. To make people believe that I'm the most beautiful and competent and intelligent person in the room. To be my own locus of control and change the world, and be able to change myself without overdoing the entertainment thing. There's always some piece or 200 of entertainment to get through - and having Facebook just makes it worse.

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Last Five

update - 2012-01-21
a new crush - 2011-07-31
i am scared - 2011-02-01
- - 2011-01-27
the end ? - 2010-05-02